Pre Eclampsia support

For Women & their families who have suffered with Pre Eclampsia, Eclampsia, HELLP syndrome, Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) and related conditions.
 
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 Guilt

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purplestunner
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PostSubject: Guilt   Mon 23 Jun 2008, 9:13 am

Hi Liz

I don't know about everyone else but i find that i have a tremendous feeling of guilt surrounding Tamsin's birth. (even 4.5 years on)

Although i know that there is nothing i could have done to safe guard myself or Tam aagainst the condition and it was not my fault, it still feels like it was and i can't shake the feeling even though i now know the facts of it.

It is especially bad around her birthday and i feel it now as i have carried this baby to 38 weeks. Why couldn't i do it for her?

She is here and absoloutely fine for which i am greatful and always will be but i do feel i let her down.

Is this a common feeling?

Emma xxx
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clearmoonlight13
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Mon 23 Jun 2008, 10:23 am

Hi Emma
I think this is a common feeling. With knowledge of these conditions, we understand rationally that it was nothing we did that caused it, and nothing we could have done to prevent it.
However, I too, sometimes, feel guilty for the start Dylan had, the problems he had, the pain he went through. I feel that this all happened because I failed in being able to give him the best start, I failed in my ability to have a normal pregnancy, my body let me down. The love we feel for our children makes us want the best for them, and when that isn't the case, I think we always feel like we could or should have done something to make it better.
As I have not yet experienced another pregnancy, I don't know how it feels, but I assume what you are feeling is normal, as you would have wanted to give both your children the best you could. Like you already know it isn't your fault.
To be honest, sometimes, I stop to think about how much i would have liked that Dylan was born full term, that he didn't need to have the problems and pain he had. However, I am so happy that he is a part of my life for all this time, and on the other hand would not want to take any minute of him being in my life, after being born - does that make sense to you?
Let me send you a big hug and tell you what you are feeling is completely normal. I try to concentrate more on the present and future than on the past, and to me, that seems to help a lot.
xxx
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Penny
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Mon 23 Jun 2008, 11:43 am

Hi Emma,
congrats for getting so far,
I can totally understand your post and could have written it myself. The majority of the time i cope with it fine but when its Maddies birthday it really hits me and the only other time was when she started school.

Having a term baby after having a prem really does come with mixed emotions, Of course you are delighted and thrilled you have made it so far but like you said it makes you question 'why me and my 1st', it also made me realise exactly what I had missed out on with Maddie. Obviously i knew some of the things i SHOULD have had with her but not necesserally the feelings if that makes sense.
Having Mack and experiencing 'normality' as much as possible was amazing and something i am so grateful for BUT it really drove it home to me what I lost with Maddie and how much i feel i failed her.
So I dont know if its normal but i certainly had a bittersweet experience/feelings surrounding macks birth.

Hope thats helps to know you are not alone.

Penny xx
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Mon 23 Jun 2008, 3:15 pm

Hi Emma,

I can only echo what the ladies have written.

The guilt you feel is a symptom of the grief you experienced. We are 'supposed' to move through the stages until we 'accept' our bereavement.
What is not said so completely is that the movement through the 'stages' are continual. Most times we can feel decidely 'accepting' until something comes along to trigger a memory that makes all those emotions as vivid as the day they first happened.

I am not suprised to hear its worse for you around Tams birthday or indeed at the impending new arrival. These are the triggers that remind you what was and what could have been, and there you are back in the centre of the chaos once more.

Ironically, I was saying the same thing to my hubby just yesterday. We were looking through Aimees paperwork as we are building a case for a tribunal for her. Reading through all the bits of paper once more was hard work - and those old feelings bubbled up again for me, just as they are for you - and the others have testified to!

This is entirely normal - for any bereavement.

I hope this helps.
Best Wishes
Liz

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HayleyP80
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Tue 24 Jun 2008, 9:16 am

Emma,

Just wanted to agree with what the others have said in that guilt is a totally normal feeling. You certainly aren't along hun.

(((hugs)))

Hayley xx
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mouse
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Tue 24 Jun 2008, 8:30 pm

Hi Emma & everyone else.
I can completely sympathise with how you are feeling. I started my countdown last week as that's when I was admitted last year & it's Yasmin's birthday on Sunday - it brings back all sorts of memories & feelings, especially being pregnant with no 2. Like everyone else I'm sure I have wracked my brains to see if there was something I could have done to avoid what happened but haven't found anything. Although I was lucky in that PET didn't start til much later & we were spared SCBU & the traumas that come with it, I still feel that me & my little girl were cheated out of what everyone else takes for granted - a normal pregnancy & birth.
I really hope the last bit of your pregnancy goes well & that a different ending this time will heal some wounds for you. I hope with time you can feel let down by the condition rather than yourself as there's nothing you could have done to stop it.
Big hugs to you for the next few days
Mouse xxxx
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purplestunner
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Wed 02 Jul 2008, 7:36 pm

Thanks ladies

I'm sorry that you have similar feelings to me but at the same time it's good to know i'm not alone.

BTW Kira was born 24th June, unplanned c-section again due to PE but both fine. 6lb 15oz!! Positively huge compared to Tam's 1lb 12oz!! lol!
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Wed 02 Jul 2008, 10:18 pm

Hi Emma,

Huge Congratulations on the arrival of Kira Rose (Beautiful names) although Im sorry to hear PE rose its ugly head again.
Depsite it though, I do hope this experience was better for you.

Looking forward to more pics arriving!!!!!

Warmest Wishes
Liz

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HayleyP80
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PostSubject: Re: Guilt   Sun 06 Jul 2008, 6:42 pm

Emma,

Congratulations from me too.

Wonderful to hear your little one arrived safe and well despite the PE!

Love to you all
Hayley xx
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