Pre Eclampsia support

For Women & their families who have suffered with Pre Eclampsia, Eclampsia, HELLP syndrome, Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) and related conditions.
 
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 I want a baby but he doesnt....

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Riina
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Posts : 9
Join date : 2008-05-26
Age : 40
Location : Hornchurch, Essex

PostSubject: I want a baby but he doesnt....   Mon 01 Feb 2010, 8:15 pm

Hi everyone, i am a very irregular poster but a keen follower of this forum. And a big fan of Liz, i think your words are amazing and comforting and I often end up in tears.Your work and support is so important. I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome with my daughter 4 years ago and I am terribly broody at the moment!! I had a horrendous time the first time round and very nearly lost my life. However I made a good recovery after 5 weeks in ITU. During that time i was found to have lung cysts and the dr's have been coming up with all sorts of horrid conditions and diagnosis. However couple of months ago I plucked up the courage to have a lung biopsy and the most likely diagnosis at the moment is some sort of developmental defect that should not cause me any trouble. At one point i was told i have disease called LAM which is a progressive lung disease that affects mainly young women. Not a nice thing to have from what I have read. however now i know that i dont have LAM which is great. After hearing this I would love another baby even more, as I now ONLY have to worry about PE or HELLP. I have seen a fantastic PE specialist in London who was extremely supportive and said she didnt think i was mad!!??Which was nice for a change...However she said I should conceive before im 35 and i'll be 33 in May... I feel like the clock is ticking, tick tock in my head. But i didnt quite understand if ishould do it before im 35 because all the risks go up in relation to age or because there should be no more than 5 years between pregnancies or the risk factors go up again. Not sure if this make sense as i was 29 when ihad my first baby.

Also my husband is really against having another baby. Last time even though it was awful as I was under sedation it wasnt as bad for me at the time. My husband obviously suffered as he was at my bedside and thought at times he was going to loose me. However I cannot ignore this real yearning and longing for another baby, it is almost physical sometimes. I feel like the time is running out and that I will resent my husband if we will not at least try to have another baby. I keep telling him that drs were very supportive, we are more aware now and that it would be different this time round. But I cant make him and that is frustrating. We always wanted at least two children but obviosly that has now changed on his part. Every couple of months this feeling is so strong and then it passes again. Im in emotional turmoil!!Sorry to rant on, thank you for reading if you made it until the end. flower flower
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Mossy
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PostSubject: Re: I want a baby but he doesnt....   Mon 01 Feb 2010, 10:18 pm

HI

I don't think I have any real advice but I think for many of us we all have that urge to have another child. Although I did not have HELLP I did have pre-eclampsia and had to have a c-section at 31 weeks. My H was very good and allowed me to decide when I wanted another child.My DD is 2 years and 4 months and I am currently pregnant with number 2- 7+4 (although I have a history of MC) but this is pregnancy number 5.

One reason I wanted to reply to you is I too am in Hornchurch- small world! Before I fell pregnant I did a lot of research about consultants at Queen's (is that where you might deliver) especially from women who had suffered either PE or HELLP. I wanted to know how they got on and the care plan they had in place. Although I was 'given' another consultant the last time I was admitted- I was a low risk pregnancy until 30 weeks. I have asked to have a different consultant this time. I found someone on line who was under her who had her for her second pregnany following having both PE and HELLP in her first. She had a very detailed plan for her birth.

Would a pre-pregnancy meeting with a Dr and your H outlining how they would care for you in a different pregnancy help?
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: I want a baby but he doesnt....   Thu 04 Feb 2010, 12:31 pm

Dear Riina,

Has your hubby said why he is not keen for another baby?

As you suggest he just may be really afraid. His thoughts could well be similar to many of the ladies here in terms of do I dont I?
We question ourselves in terms of the what ifs...what if PE strikes again....I have a child already here, a child who may not survive...and what if I dont survive?....I could potentially leave my husband with 2 small children....but the tick tock of the clock wont stop chiming.

Its not too different for many men...except they dont seem to have the need that women have to be pregnant & the want to care for another little person.
He may even have flash backs of your past pregnancy that he hasnt shared with you.

Men tend to keep things so much closer to their chests & get on with the practicalities of life, they really dont like feeling so out of control & unable to protect their loved ones...women talk it through, men dont.

I agree with Mossy a pre-conception meeting with your doctors may help him to understand what happened to you last time & what he can do to help ensure that things go more smoothly in a subsequent pregnancy. Have you considered some joint counselling about your last pregnacy? There may be things that are locked so deeply away that you are not aware of?
Equally, if his decision is final, some counselling may help you to come to terms with this loss.

It is not an easy decision but you do still have some time on your side. The risk does increase when you are 40 but also increases when there is 10 years or more between children.
There is the school of thought that you are more 'protected' if your children are within 5 years of each other but this really is a 'school of thought' and not a guarantee.

I hope this helps Riina

Best Wishes
Liz

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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: I want a baby but he doesnt....   Thu 04 Feb 2010, 12:43 pm

I also meat to say Thank you to you Riina for your very kind words.

I never cease to be amazed at the community spirit here.

Liz

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Riina
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Join date : 2008-05-26
Age : 40
Location : Hornchurch, Essex

PostSubject: Re: I want a baby but he doesnt....   Sun 14 Feb 2010, 6:56 pm

Thank you Liz and Mossy for your replies. It is so comforting to know that there is someone nearby who has had similar issues. World can be a lonely place sometimes when you have problems with such an everyday event as childbirth. Unfortunately we all here know that it is not always plain sailing. But there is hope, as always.
I have tried to approach this with my husband again, but didnt get very far. He just says its is not going to happen, but i did see a little glimmer of laughter in his eyes. I could never "force" him as this wouldnt be fair and he has his own strong views. But if he leaves a backdoor open for the thought that is enough for me. Im also debating about taking a course that would last a year from september and after that i would be 34.. But Liz you also gave me abit of hope as you said i still have abit of time. I am waiting for one more blood test result from the respiratory side and if that is ok, then I will try and meet with the local consultant. I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason, so I shall see what happens. I feel better as that sounds like a plan!! Thanks again for your support, xx
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