Pre Eclampsia support

For Women & their families who have suffered with Pre Eclampsia, Eclampsia, HELLP syndrome, Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) and related conditions.
 
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 Loosing our baby Beatrix

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Lhopkins
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PostSubject: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Tue 21 Oct 2008, 11:57 am

1 September 2008
James and I were very much looking forward to our baby’s 22nd week scan (as our anomaly scan date) and also to find out the gender. We were at Guy’s and St Thomas Hospital in Westminster where I also had my 5th, 9th and 12th week Nuchal scan. We were hopeful and confident that everything is fine. During the scan they measured the baby’s size, bones are all in place, properly formed, heartbeat was very strong 150 bpm, and for this gestation baby only needs to mature to get to the third trimester. However, the scan results showed our baby’s size was smaller than normal and that the blood flow in one of my arteries which delivers blood to the placenta was not normal. We were asked to proceed to the Daycare Assessment Unit, they took a blood and urine sample and a doctor checked my bp which was quite very high.


I was admitted to hospital for 24 hour close monitoring of my blood pressure, blood and urine test results. Nothing prepared us for what was to come. Within 48 hours my blood pressure kept rising, they took more blood samples from me every 6 hours in 5 to 12 vials each time and the results indicated that my liver and kidney were deteriorating rapidly. I was diagnosed to be suffering from severe Pre-eclampsia, HELLP Syndrome and IUGR. The severity of my condition was very extreme being affected at five months gestation and this gave our baby a very low chance of survival in the womb and after birth. I had severe cramping inbetween my chest just above my stomach which I thought was just acid but it was getting difficult for me to breath, I had shoulder pains which made it uncomfortable for me to lay down and severe headache it felt like a drill or a hammer pounding into my head. I threw up what I had eaten and felt very very weak.


7 Septemebr 2008
I was getting weaker each day, I was given so many drugs, antibiotics, magnesium sulfate, bp tablets and many more. I had needles in my arms and each time they took blood it hurt so much. My liver deteriorated rapidly, I was swelling, itching, dizzy and had an infection called Toxoplasmosis and Rubella. I fought so hard to keep our baby alive, trying to keep the baby longer in my womb and take chances with my own life to cling to hope and give our baby every chance. Yet after all this, the doctors said there was no hope and a decision had to be made to deliver the baby to save me. I have gone through the induction process which was pain in eternity, my water broke and started labour at 15:20 hrs the same evening. I refused to use any pain relievers (although an ivy for morphine was already placed on my left arm with a button for me to control) because I was very scared they will hurt the baby. I had three convulssions. I was in so much pain and very tired.

8 September 2008
Through normal delivery I gave birth to a beautiful and perfect baby girl. We named her Beatrix (pronounce as Beatrice but the x at the end seals it with a kiss) and had her blessed by a priest. Beatrix was put on my chest as soon as she came out, she was so pretty and warm and perfect. She was in a deep sleep and James and I cuddled her for as long as we could. Days after the birth Beatrix was kept in a quiet room but each day whilst at the hospital she was brought to me for a long cuddle. I’ll never forget her cute little face. She is a part of us and will be in our hearts forever.

11 September 2008
We arrived home feeling empty. I cried so hard. James held my hands and gave me a tight embrace. We cried. When the lights are out, I close my eyes, all is quiet and I see Beatrix. James and I have remained very strong through this. We draw strength from each other. It will take a long time to recover from the hurt but we know that we have each other and hoping that we’ll have the chance of a baby one day.


A thanksgiving mass was celebrated on Thursday, 18 September at 10:00hrs at the Mary Immaculate and St Gregory the Great Church, High Barnet. Beatrix, our beloved daughter was laid to rest in Hendon Cemetery.

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HayleyP80
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Tue 21 Oct 2008, 8:21 pm

Hi Lorelei,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Beatrix. I know there are no words that will ease your pain but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and James at this time.

Your story has a number of similarities to mine, please do feel free to PM me if I can be of any help.

The ladies here are a wonderful bunch, I'm sure you will find lots of support here.

Love
Hayley xx
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ingrid
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 22 Oct 2008, 10:23 am

Hello LHopkins

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Beatrix and having to suffer this horrible disease.

I feel so sad when I read other stories and takes me back to when our daughter lost her daughter. I do hope that you will take comfort in the knowledge that we are here to support you and understand what you and your family are going through and in time you will take inspiration and hope from others on this site that have gone through the loss and the heartbreak to go on to have successful pregnancies.

Take care

Ingrid x
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 22 Oct 2008, 10:44 am

Hi Lorelei,

I am so sorry to hear you have suffered at the hands of this dreadful condition and that it caused you so much pain & sorrow losing your precious daughter.

Ive just looked at her memorial site and it is a real credit to you both as Beatrix's parents.
( I adored the x being a kiss for her in Beatrix's name - a truly beautiful thought.)

Thank you too for having the courage to write your story, I know how much emotional energy that takes.

I hope that here you will find the support and information you are looking for.
We will be here for you both.

Warmest wishes to you both and God Bless to little Beatrix.
Liz

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Caroline
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 22 Oct 2008, 6:58 pm

Hi Lorelei,

Am glad to see you posting here although am so sorry that you've had to join.

The people on this site were such wonderful support to me after losing Max and through my pregnancy with Tilly. If I can do anything at all to help you then please do get in touch.

Lots of love
Caroline xxxx
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alka
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 22 Oct 2008, 7:15 pm

Lorelei, I am truly in awe of you being able to share your story so soon, which must be incredibly raw and painful for you. In talking about this awful condition I hope you have found some comfort and peace.

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, my condition wasn't as severe. I can however reiterate what the other ladies here have said to you, finding this forum has been a life saver to me, it's helped me to understand what I went through and it's also given me hope, especially when I read about second, third, even fourth successful PE free pregnancies.

I wish you all the love in the world and I am so sorry for your loss. You and James hold on to eachother and the precious memories and joy that your gorgeous little angel Beatrix gave you.

Love Nic x
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Bell
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 22 Oct 2008, 9:07 pm

Hi Lorelei,

Welcome to the forum! I am so sorry you have had to suffer from severe pre eclampsia too and very sad to hear that it has claimed the life of another baby.

I hope that you can find the support here that you need.

I have found this forum a great support.

Bell.x
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Lhopkins
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Thu 23 Oct 2008, 3:50 pm

Dear everyone

Thank you for the warm welcome and for your kind thoughts. Yes, I know that it has only been 6 weeks since we've lost Beatrix and the pain is lingering for quite a while. I appreciate the support I have had so far from the Mums and Grandmas at this forum - you don't know how much comfort you've given to me and my husband.

We waited for Beatrix to come into our lives. Four years we've tried to conceive and just as we were going to give up - I got pregnant. I started hoping and building lovely dreams for our baby and now all is shattered... I read books, bought the magazines and watched the videos on pregnancy and I thought I had it all covered. They all say the same things, relatives and friends say the normal stuff and compared their pregnancies to mine, don't eat this - eat lots of those - you have to buy one of those prams etc - do this and don't do that, everyone was so worried about things that are of minor importance at that time. At my local surgery nobody and I mean nobody ever warned me or ever discussed about the protein in your wee, that even then I was having headaches and migraine at 19 weeks for the 2 to 4 consecutive days - I was only told to take paracetamol and that my blood pressure was high because it's normal in pregnancies! This is what tears me apart- that I didnt know nothing at all about Pre-eclampsia - I felt robbed without a fight.

Now after reading all the posts on PRECOG by Liz dated 23 May I can say that I have something to watch out for my future pregnancy plus carefully recording what I have been through at the hospital and what signs to see. The consultants, doctors and midwives explained so many things and there was only so much my husband could take at that time. Everything is making sense now but I need to know more.

We have a meeting with one of our consultants at St Thomas on the first week of Nov. I will do my hardest to record everything. We also have an appointment to discuss about future pregnancy with one of the doctors who looked after me at St Thomas's Hospital, Dr Catherine Nelson-Piercy (I believe she's one of the obst listed in your PRECOG primary care).

I wish we don't have to go through the loss of our babies, the pain and tears (I couldn't stop them), and keep me awake at night. I did the what if, if only and the blaming game but it always lead me to nothing. The night I lost Beatrix I cried so hard and I said I would give anything to have her back - and all I got was silence...

Sorry to pour my heart out on you ladies. I know that there will be gentle days ahead. In the mean time I'll keep the faith and keep believing in miracles.

Lots of love
Lorelei
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mouse
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Thu 23 Oct 2008, 3:58 pm

Dear Lorelei,
I am so sorry to hear what you & James have been through & am also amazed at your strength & courage in posting so soon. I can't imagine the pain you've been through & are still having to go through, but hope that the feelings get a bit easier with time.
Loads of love & hugs to you & your family
xxxx
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Thu 23 Oct 2008, 6:30 pm

Hi Lorelei,

The physical scars that occur after a trauma like PE & HELLP should settle reasonably quickly, but is the emotional scars, the ones people cant see on the outside are the ones that are hardest to heal.
I really do understand (as I am confident the majority of women here are) the pain that we cause ourselves over the 'why didnt I know about this condition' stick.

The truth is there is that there is nothing you did or didnt do throughout your pregnancy that caused the PE & HELLP.
You did what any 1st time mum would do - you trusted those who should have known better to warn you and to take good care of you and your baby. You are so right when pregnant we get so 'hung up' on dont eat soft cheese etc etc and then feel dismissed when we have excruciating headaches or swelling as its 'all part of pregnancy'.
And for many - to a degree it is normal. But there is the difficulty - when to a new mum does normal become abnormal?

Catherine is a driving force behind the PRECOG guidelines & I know her well. She will allow the time to go through what has happened to you.
There may be 'markers' in your pregnancy which with hindsight may have been early warnings. Catherine will go through this with you for future reference if you want.

It may help you to understand the 'biology bit' of what happened to understand the grief you are feeling. The tears are a good thing right now - even if they never seem to stop. They are our bodies safety valve to stop us exploding with rage or any other emotion you might be feeling at the time.
PE is such a thief - it robbed you of your pregnancy, your daughter & all your dreams together forever.

What ever you are feeling though, please hear me when I say to you, nothing that happened was your fault.

As mums, I think sometimes, we are richer in memories than Dads.
We remember how it felt to see that blue line, we remember the anticipation of telling our partners & the midwives, we may choose to gloss over how sick we felt and we may even remember the first butterflies turing into kicks.
These are precious memories to show you that your daughter was here long before she arrived. And they are exclusively yours that can never be taken away.

Beatrix can be so proud in the knowledge that even though she got to spend such a short time with you, that you both loved her enough to last a lifetime.

Let me know if I can answer any of your questions, meantime we are more than happy to listen to you & to support you whenever you need to pour your heart out.

Warmest Wishes
Liz

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HayleyP80
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Thu 23 Oct 2008, 9:02 pm

Hi Lorelei,

You don't need to apologise for pouring your heart out. We are here to listen.

I totally agree with Liz in that it's the emotional scars that take the longest time to heal. I got over the physical pretty quickly, the emotional is still a battle, even now. But I find there's nothing better than being able to come here and "chat" with people who really do understand.

As for guilt, it's a totally crippling emotion. Please do realise there is nothing you could have done to prevent PE/HELLP. It's not something we are routinely made aware of so if the medical profession didn't pick up on it sooner, how on earth would you have been expected to?! (assuming you aren't medically trained). I know I tried to take far too much responsibility for what happened and that is the response I got. Makes sense I suppose.

May be worth writing down all the questions you have for when you see the consultant. I took two copies, one for me and one for him. I knew if I didn't write them all down I was bound to forget something.

My thoughts are with you,
Hayley xx
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Thu 23 Oct 2008, 10:15 pm

I just wanted to add to Hayleys post!

I am not a doctor but I am an experienced trained nurse - even then I missed the signs of PE & HELLP.

Whatever your job, when you get PE because it generally strikes in a 1st pregnancy - one has nothing to compare how you feel against a 'normal' pregnancy. Add to that ones head is generally in 'pregnancy' mode not professional mode. Add to that ! You probably arent feeling too well & maynot be on usual form!

Dont be too hard on yourself.
Liz

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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Mon 03 Nov 2008, 5:23 pm

Hi Lorelei,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter Beatrix ( beautiful name ), I hope that you and james can continue to use this site and the surpport of us all now and in the furture. I can not say i know how you feel as i don't but my thoughts are with you.

Take Care
Paula.
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Lhopkins
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Tue 04 Nov 2008, 5:07 pm

Hello Paula, thank you for your kind words. I am relieved that I found Mummies who can understand what I'm going through. James has been very supportive and we also attend a private counselling which I believe helps in many ways. We're meeting one of the consultants at St Thomas' tmrw and then meeting up with our OP on 1 Dec. I'm a bit nervous but hopeful.
Take care
Lorelei xx

MrsCav wrote:
Hi Lorelei,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter Beatrix ( beautiful name ), I hope that you and james can continue to use this site and the surpport of us all now and in the furture. I can not say i know how you feel as i don't but my thoughts are with you.

Take Care
Paula.
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Liz Pidgley
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PostSubject: Re: Loosing our baby Beatrix   Wed 05 Nov 2008, 10:11 pm

Hi Lorelei & James,

I was just wondering how your appointment went today.
I hope you had your questions answered & can begin to understand what you have been through - and are still going through.

Warm Wishes
Liz

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Lhopkins
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PostSubject: Please be warned some thoughts might offend   Thu 06 Nov 2008, 8:13 pm

Dear Liz
Thank you for asking. Hope you're well and all other Mummies in the forum.
The meeting was ok but James and I were not too well towards the end of it. James felt suffocated in the lift and experienced some chest pains. We both felt all the memories came rushing back from those very sad days in September. We managed to get explanations for most of the questions bugging us and keeping us awake all night in the end.

-The placenta examination confirmed that I did have PE and HELLP
-That when I was admitted I had a +1 in my urine and it fluctuated during my stay at the hospital with my sky high blood pressure - I had to clarify this because one of the widwives told me right after she took the urine test that I was fine and the test was ok
-I asked if all the medicines had hurt Beatrix whilst she was with me, consultant said they made sure everything they used did not do any harm to the baby - I had some doubts because they've told us not to take any medicine while pg as it harms the baby????
-I had him to explain to us what macerated intrauterine death means - I swear to God - Beatrix was so warm, red but with glistening skin (I described it as glycerine), she was so soft and I know that she only left a couple of hours ago no pealing of skin or anything
-I asked for a clarification of the bacterial infections that I had
-He explained that unfortunately there is 30-40% of PE happening but 60% of it not recurring is something to be hopeful for
-I asked him why some women suffer frm PE in 1st pregnancy but not in second and returns on the 3rd pgs - he couldn't explain why and said he hasnt got any answers for this. This is why they keep studying and do vigorous research on PE

He said he will be there for us that if we have questions we forget to ask or in the future that he's there to explain. I also asked for a copy of Beatrix's last scan tests and the graph where it explains IUGR. I had a good look at the charts and my poor little baby was way below the lowest normal level. He knows that we will be seeing Dr Piercy in 3 weeks, he encourages me to take folic acid if we would try again.

DH and I went home feeling empty once more and all the saddest memories with us. Tried to cheer myself up the whole evening but was a bit impossible so lit a candle for Beatrix in our memory corner at home, sat there with James and cried.

I'm sorry if the contents of this msg ever offended anyone.

Lots of love
Lorelei xx
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